There have been plenty of terrible movies in 2022. Clever, high-profile thrillers in which Ben Affleck unconvincingly tries to convince us he’s ever had sex. Unnecessary remakes; even more useless adaptations; bad superhero vampire movies that bombed and became memes and got re-released and bombed again. There were unconvincing performances, shitty special effects, incomprehensible storylines, and cinematic downfalls.
What’s the absolute worst? A lot of people don’t like movies that are poorly put together or don’t have professional acting, editing, or writing. So from that point of view, a bad movie is a home movie, like Boy Harsher’s vampiric horror short. The runner which is halfway between a music video and an amateur film. Or Fire starter (2022), which looks like a poor imitation of a poor imitation of the 1984 film.
I often like low budget films. The runner is filled with charm; how can you hate a bunch of fans running around the forest making a horror movie Fire starter is terrible, but not because it’s barely professional quality. If anything, cheapness is kind of a saving grace. At least you would hate to think that someone spent a lot of money to find this. The main reason to hate Fire starter is that it silences the somewhat entertaining first film and the somewhat entertaining novel by Stephen King on which the films are based.
In this, however, he cannot compete with Chainsaw Massacre. Tobe Hooper’s original 1974 film is a dastardly, low-fi masterpiece of meat, blood and cattle. This year’s remake uses name and reputation to sleepwalk through a bunch of tired horror tropes. Hooper’s vision was indelible, but I barely remember the mess of 2022 a few months later, aside from vague irritation. the awful Persuasion adaptation is fresher in my mind. Netflix has taken Austen’s delicate tale of autumnal melancholy and turned it into a bland, cheeky romantic comedy with slapstick humor and Dakota Johnson winking wryly at the camera. Why adapt a book you hate? Presumably the answer is because of money and marketing. And also because you suck.
I think in terms of pure viewer dissatisfaction, deep waters was even worse. An erotic thriller with no eros or thrills, it wasn’t even much fun to watch thanks to Affleck’s lack of affect. Ana de Armas made sporadic gestures in amusement, but Affleck just stares at her, like he can’t figure out what he’s doing there, just like the viewer.
But nothing fails quite like failed big-budget blockbusters. Hollywood behemoths put so much money and fanfare and bloat into insisting you’re having the best time of your life that when they crash down to earth it’s like you’re inhaling guts of whale. movies like Morbius Where The 355 or (I think the worst of the year so far) moon fall the impression that they are thoroughly insulting the public. Did you show up hoping for a dollop of talent or joy or emotion from that executive-approved, capital-encrusted bucket of bilge water? What an asshole you are. It’ll be $20, two years of hearing loss, and your soul.
Could there be even worse movies to come? Sure. by James Cameron Avatar: The Way of the Water has the potential for epic horror. But I don’t see anything on the horizon that’s likely to be a real contender for the worst movie of all time. To me, that’s a category mostly reserved for glib Hollywood self-congratulation Oscar bait — movies like the famously unfairly Schindler’s list or the justly despised Hillbilly Elegy. Unless one of them sticks their head up like a poisonous mushroom with Liam Neeson’s nose, moon fall remains the shit movie to beat.