WITH the world going to hell in a purse, keyboard jockeys understandably express their outrage over the most important issue facing humanity – the size of Mario’s butt.
After years of behind-the-scenes talk, Nintendo has finally shared the first trailer for its Chris Pratt-directed Super Mario movie. Announced in 2018, the animated collaboration between Nintendo and Universal Pictures’ Illumination studio – suppliers of the Minions movies – features the voice talents of Jack Black, Seth Rogan and Anya Taylor-Joy as Bowser, Princess Peach and Donkey Kong.
With suitably held breath since initial casting details broke last week, the shroud was finally lifted when the gaming icon hit the big screen. Featuring Bowser’s assault on a penguin castle , the trailer sees familiar faces such as Kamek, Toad, and Luigi appear in a visually lush vision of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Our star, however, is relegated to a mere cameo, spouting just two lines of dialogue. “What is this place?” implies that our titular plumber has somehow been sucked into his CGI world, and tongues are already thrashing over a plot that may feature live-action Pratt disappearing into a toilet bowl at the start.
Nintendo, however, takes aim at Mario’s butt design – with our sporting hero buttocks so lightly muscled they wouldn’t manage to crush even the slightest turtle.
While it’s not quite the level of outrage that forced the creators of the first Sonic movie back to the drawing board, Mario certainly doesn’t have the ass you’d expect from an overweight tradesman.
At least everything looks better than the last time Mario stained the big screen, when in 1993 poor Bob Hoskins’ character – literally called “Mario Mario” – takes part in a rap scene with lyrics like “Koopa, party poo”.
Since then, of course, technology has evolved and the Mario video game finally found its voice in 1996 thanks to the legendary Charles Martinet, who gave the character his Italian helium falsetto accent, and has done so ever since.
That’s why the trailer moment everyone was waiting for was when Mario opened his gob for Chris Pratt’s voice acting debut. Ever since the Jurassic World star was chosen as pop culture’s favorite Italian-American plumber, fans have feared Pratt will go “full Giuseppe”, ruining the franchise and offending some of the population.
Indeed, Pratt promised a voice “unlike anything fans have heard before – but in the trailer our mustachioed hero looks like, well, Chris Pratt. While it’s understandable that Nintendo demands some star power for his lead, for the players, Charles Martinet is Mario.
Indeed, voice acting legend Tara Strong (whose pipes have brought everyone from Harley Quinn to Batgirl to life) took to Twitter to declare that “it should be Charles.”
Assuming our theaters haven’t disappeared under nuclear mushrooms next spring, the Super Mario Bros movie will land in the fleas on April 7, when fans can properly assess Mario’s rump and vocal cords.